black widow.

everyday i go on living life as a normal 19 years old. the part where you go to class, have dinner with your girls, sleep stay up like a pig (ok, i dont why i picked pig. but i want!), regular hangouts, frolicking with le books and assignments, having zits when tension arises, boy trouble and so forth. see, im just like you in a way.

except for the fact that love is never by my side now. it taught me a good and scarred me for life. i was being the typical heartbroken where i cursed every man alive and believed they're only being nice to you for a reason. but hey, i dont want to be a sucker for love volume II! i was very much less fortunate with this 4 letter word. or was it that i was the one who feel so?

after several opinions and observations, i landed back hard on reality and violated my oath and changed every prospective towards the opposite sex. not all of it of course. i began a new chapter in my life where instead of feeling sorry for myself, holding grudges towards men, hating their guts, and cursing them with every harsh word i can think of, i took the ultimate risk i could possibly make. that is taking the risk to fall again. come to think of it, life is all about risk-taking. and if i weep all night long it gets me no where i realized.although i keep my options open, nothing seemed to work. my heart's still locked and no one knew where the key was. did i threw it away in the deep ocean? or have i misplaced it and lost it?

well, here's a fact, BOYFRIENDS COME AND GO, but FRIENDS ARE FOREVER. i dont cast in desperado. im just a girl with desire. just like you! to think of actually having a relationship bothers my mind (at times). reminiscing pain that i earned isnt something i very much look forward to relive again. but not having one too bothers me. okay. im talking round a bout. but as humans, nobody wants to be lonely. and sometimes, to love and to be loved by a man is just nature. no matter how one fight to be against it, nature always win. damn you nature! opps.

i thought by keeping myself busy with assignments, family, friends and any other activity i can possibly think of will keep me from thinking about my personal issues. YET, i still do tend to think of it. its what i think the moment i open my eyes to start a new day and the moment when i close them to the end of the day. the possibility of me going out of my mind is there. can you see it? me and not thinking, dont mix, its effortless. (however, all these tittle tattle between my brain and my heart, will never ever affects my daily life whatsoever. so dont worry mother. i know what not and what not not.)

its difficult when one thing that opened my heart is the only thing that's leaving me behind. they say time heals everything. im still waiting. but how long?

side note : i have just found out, that he has a new girlfriend. heartburn? you can say so perhaps. after a year. and im still in comatose mode. blimey.

nak rindu boleh? kejap je. tak lame pun.